It's like funny actually. Cos we was travelling through the Middle East transporting large packages for this bloke we met at the airport, and we got on the wrong plane. We ended up going to UAE (nickname) by mistake. Anyway, it was alright wasn't it Mark - "yeah, wouldn't mind living there myself actually" (says Mark). They've got roads and running water, and everything. We didn't see much cos we got arrested for gun running - what an adventure! It turned out that the bloke at the airport was a member of some dodgy political party - Tallyban or something - and he was sending us out with guns to support "oppressed people of Astanighan against the imperial invaders of the United States" (or something). Funny, I thought Astanighan was in County Tyrone - and didn't they sort out all the problems in Northern Ireland anyway!

Eating Out

Not much to say here. The food in Doobai main police station is not bad, but there isn't much of a menu. No menu at all in fact. There wasn't much of a service with a smile either - but that's probably just cultural misinterpretation. Why can't these foreigners watch more Baywatch and get up to date with Western Culture.

Drugs

None available in Middle Eastern prisons - unlike the UK - so instead we tried a couple of other recreational occupations. Mark was taken off to have a go at waterboarding. What was it like Mark? "Didn't think much of it actually. Snowboarding is better." (says Mark). Well you've got to try it to know if you like it don't you! Most of the time we just spent blindfold and upside down. It was fun at first, but a bit of a drag after 48 hours. We heard these Americans talking at one time, so I started singing "Working 9 to 5" - cos I know for a fact Americans have to love Dolly Partel by law - but they didn't think much of my rendition. They had a rendition of their own they said - and that's when we woke up in Egypt. That report's coming soon.

Shopping

We saw some nice shopping centres out of the cell window ... They're really big on religion there, being Muslims and all - which is brilliant, by the way - me and Mark love Muslims. Anyway, if you fancy any nicknacks for the home, I reckon the prayer mats would look good at your front door for people to wipe their feet on. They go on about Mohammed a lot there, but we couldn't find a picture of him anywhere - cos it's like a sin punishable by death (like pretty much everything). So me and Mark have this great business idea - to sell pictures of Mohammed's identical twin Benny. No sin, but a great looking picture of a great guy (if you're a Muslim) on the wall. Everyone's happy! Any business takers? We might go on Dragon's Den with that one. We love Muslims by the way. They're brilliant.